Men Continue the Circle

My dad has told me that it has been estimated that by 2020 there will be no more registered Menominees. We will have lost the battle that was started 500 years ago. And so, I feel as if it is my duty to search high and low to possibly make Menom babies but I whine to daddy, that I can’t find any Menominee man to suit me. And, then he tells me a piece of his mind.

Half of the guys in jail right now are there because of unpaid child support. And yet, how are they to pay it when they can’t even find jobs? So, basically, the system is punishing men for something that is not under their control. I could understand imprisoning a man that has a job and refuses to pay but is it fair when a man chooses to live on his reservation and there are no jobs for him to work to support his kids? And, then we talk about my cousin brother. He is a good guy with a lot of kids. He has four kids and two more on the way. He raises three of them alone and yet he still pays the mother child support because the courts won’t let him have custody. After, paying child support his check of eight hundred every two weeks is down to sixty five dollars. He works but can’t afford child care and he doesn’t qualify for any government programs that are designated for women only and for people that have no income; which he does but not enough to support himself or his family. And the circle continues.

Then, there are the people that are raising their grandchildren and the children don’t help support them. But, the parents receive child support, WIC and welfare but don’t have the children. The grandparents that should be retired continue to work the long hours at the casino to support their grandchildren. And the circle continues.

I have never really thought of the NDN men that raise children and I have to say, that they are here and you now have my utmost respect. The good NDN men are punished by a system that was made to support the women, but only the women? It's not fair and I am glad my dad pointed out, that I should not whine but recognize and realize. There are great NDN men that stand up and fight the fight and I am so proud of you and sorry that I have not recognized you sooner. You will forever now, be in my prayers. And thank you for continuing our circle.

Dad says, kids shouldn’t have kids then. Yeah, that is a solution but to what end? How long would our tribe continue to exist if babies weren’t born? Am I the only one that worries at night, how long my tribe will continue to survive? I have no worries that there are going to be plenty of Navajos for the time being but I do feel that I want to continue the Menom legacy. I have made the choice to wait to have children, for marriage and yet I get the constant question, where are your babies at?? Your dad needs grandchildren. People tell me it is good to wait and I have but have I cost my tribe?? If I was young and reckless, I may have had Menom babies by now and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing….yet, the search continues for me to contribute my part of the circle. My blood will count!

To Play or Not to Play

I was starting to get know this certain guy. He was cool, seemed to be. He was from my part of Indian Country. He knew what my reservation was all about. Friends with my family. And then, after about a month of just texting and he tells me not to get “attached.” He has been hurt before and isn’t looking to getting into a relationship. Ohh.kay.

For one, I hate that he assumed that I wanted a relationship with him. He never made me laugh and the conversation was never deep. I am looking for that type of guy.
For two, I hate that even if he had been hurt before he was not brave enough to believe in love. It takes a real man to be hurt and believe again.
For three, I hate that he assumed that I would cheat on him like the others did. I have never cheated in the eleven years I have been in relationships but then it made me question, what he thought of himself since he already assumed I would be so disappointed in him I would cheat on him.

The outcome then leads to me to this: He assumed I would play around on him if we were together. And if he assumed that and never took our relationship seriously, then why wouldn’t I play? I would be looking for someone that would take me seriously. But, if I was not to play and he would just ruin the relationship thinking that I was. It was an ugly circle that I got out of ASAP. It would have made me someone that I was not.

People really do get what they are looking for and I wish him the best. I maybe holding out for an extremely long time for someone to make me laugh but I know I will get what I am looking for.

Menom Love

I am back home on the reservation. There has not been much change at all and yet because I have changed, it is all different. I was at the table reading when my dad’s cousin and his wife came to the house. I look at them as my aunt and uncle. Since, my last visit my aunt had to have dialysis three times a week. She is now a softer person and yet still jokes as before. She is one person that jokes with my dad and teases him. You can tell the illness has taken a toll but the bond that my aunt and uncle share is so strong. You can see the love and commitment in their eyes. It is so beautiful. Today, I was surprised to see on my reservation a marriage of love. My uncle helped her carry stuff to the car but not in a way that was over the top but in a way that the act done; as he just read her mind. I could not tear my eyes away from seeing the invisible communication. I am thankful that my uncle is there for my aunt during her hardship. She has such a battle to be fought. She had a transplant and was in the hospital for so long, far away from home. We went to their house tonight, and when we came in, they were seating right next to each other on the couch; both watching the baseball game. They both spoke of their grandchildren with such pride and that is when I notice my aunt had a hickey! I was so shocked but in a good way. It was proven then, that there is a possibility of a successful marriage and I was given hope. Their son came into the house then, my little brother and he had grown so much. He has grown over two feet since I last saw him! I went on and on about my memories of him and my aunt cried. She cries easily now, but her tears are her appreciation, feelings are realized today and that was a lesson learned for me. He is a great kid. He does so well in school and if he is not in school; he is out in the woods fishing. Today, he found eagle feathers out on the lake and he is such a blessing to our nation. He will be a great Menominee man. I then, knew that my aunt and uncle’s love had created something we all could be proud of. I forget that my aunt has struggle every day when I am far away and will remember now. Love was a dream of mine that came true. I may not know love just yet but two people that deserve it have it and that is all I ever need.