Men Continue the Circle

My dad has told me that it has been estimated that by 2020 there will be no more registered Menominees. We will have lost the battle that was started 500 years ago. And so, I feel as if it is my duty to search high and low to possibly make Menom babies but I whine to daddy, that I can’t find any Menominee man to suit me. And, then he tells me a piece of his mind.

Half of the guys in jail right now are there because of unpaid child support. And yet, how are they to pay it when they can’t even find jobs? So, basically, the system is punishing men for something that is not under their control. I could understand imprisoning a man that has a job and refuses to pay but is it fair when a man chooses to live on his reservation and there are no jobs for him to work to support his kids? And, then we talk about my cousin brother. He is a good guy with a lot of kids. He has four kids and two more on the way. He raises three of them alone and yet he still pays the mother child support because the courts won’t let him have custody. After, paying child support his check of eight hundred every two weeks is down to sixty five dollars. He works but can’t afford child care and he doesn’t qualify for any government programs that are designated for women only and for people that have no income; which he does but not enough to support himself or his family. And the circle continues.

Then, there are the people that are raising their grandchildren and the children don’t help support them. But, the parents receive child support, WIC and welfare but don’t have the children. The grandparents that should be retired continue to work the long hours at the casino to support their grandchildren. And the circle continues.

I have never really thought of the NDN men that raise children and I have to say, that they are here and you now have my utmost respect. The good NDN men are punished by a system that was made to support the women, but only the women? It's not fair and I am glad my dad pointed out, that I should not whine but recognize and realize. There are great NDN men that stand up and fight the fight and I am so proud of you and sorry that I have not recognized you sooner. You will forever now, be in my prayers. And thank you for continuing our circle.

Dad says, kids shouldn’t have kids then. Yeah, that is a solution but to what end? How long would our tribe continue to exist if babies weren’t born? Am I the only one that worries at night, how long my tribe will continue to survive? I have no worries that there are going to be plenty of Navajos for the time being but I do feel that I want to continue the Menom legacy. I have made the choice to wait to have children, for marriage and yet I get the constant question, where are your babies at?? Your dad needs grandchildren. People tell me it is good to wait and I have but have I cost my tribe?? If I was young and reckless, I may have had Menom babies by now and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing….yet, the search continues for me to contribute my part of the circle. My blood will count!

To Play or Not to Play

I was starting to get know this certain guy. He was cool, seemed to be. He was from my part of Indian Country. He knew what my reservation was all about. Friends with my family. And then, after about a month of just texting and he tells me not to get “attached.” He has been hurt before and isn’t looking to getting into a relationship. Ohh.kay.

For one, I hate that he assumed that I wanted a relationship with him. He never made me laugh and the conversation was never deep. I am looking for that type of guy.
For two, I hate that even if he had been hurt before he was not brave enough to believe in love. It takes a real man to be hurt and believe again.
For three, I hate that he assumed that I would cheat on him like the others did. I have never cheated in the eleven years I have been in relationships but then it made me question, what he thought of himself since he already assumed I would be so disappointed in him I would cheat on him.

The outcome then leads to me to this: He assumed I would play around on him if we were together. And if he assumed that and never took our relationship seriously, then why wouldn’t I play? I would be looking for someone that would take me seriously. But, if I was not to play and he would just ruin the relationship thinking that I was. It was an ugly circle that I got out of ASAP. It would have made me someone that I was not.

People really do get what they are looking for and I wish him the best. I maybe holding out for an extremely long time for someone to make me laugh but I know I will get what I am looking for.

Menom Love

I am back home on the reservation. There has not been much change at all and yet because I have changed, it is all different. I was at the table reading when my dad’s cousin and his wife came to the house. I look at them as my aunt and uncle. Since, my last visit my aunt had to have dialysis three times a week. She is now a softer person and yet still jokes as before. She is one person that jokes with my dad and teases him. You can tell the illness has taken a toll but the bond that my aunt and uncle share is so strong. You can see the love and commitment in their eyes. It is so beautiful. Today, I was surprised to see on my reservation a marriage of love. My uncle helped her carry stuff to the car but not in a way that was over the top but in a way that the act done; as he just read her mind. I could not tear my eyes away from seeing the invisible communication. I am thankful that my uncle is there for my aunt during her hardship. She has such a battle to be fought. She had a transplant and was in the hospital for so long, far away from home. We went to their house tonight, and when we came in, they were seating right next to each other on the couch; both watching the baseball game. They both spoke of their grandchildren with such pride and that is when I notice my aunt had a hickey! I was so shocked but in a good way. It was proven then, that there is a possibility of a successful marriage and I was given hope. Their son came into the house then, my little brother and he had grown so much. He has grown over two feet since I last saw him! I went on and on about my memories of him and my aunt cried. She cries easily now, but her tears are her appreciation, feelings are realized today and that was a lesson learned for me. He is a great kid. He does so well in school and if he is not in school; he is out in the woods fishing. Today, he found eagle feathers out on the lake and he is such a blessing to our nation. He will be a great Menominee man. I then, knew that my aunt and uncle’s love had created something we all could be proud of. I forget that my aunt has struggle every day when I am far away and will remember now. Love was a dream of mine that came true. I may not know love just yet but two people that deserve it have it and that is all I ever need.

Red Skin

Growing up in Wisconsin I was young when I noticed that I was different than all the others. I would look at my hands and then look at other kid’s hands. I would just stare at my hands and see the design of what looked like spider webs. It would get more and more visible when summer came around. But, if I looked hard enough I could see the webs during the winter. I always wondered if all the other kids in school noticed how my skin was different than theirs in more ways than just color.I had a design. I thought it was because I was tangle clan and therefore the spider made my skin. The spider was the mother to my skin.
On a trip to New Mexico one summer, my parents were inside the hogan speaking with grandmas. My sisters were told to play outside. We turned around and wondered what we were to do? There were no rivers to play in, no forest to hide in. I stared at the sky and the open desert. The wind was blowing our hair all around. I kneeled down towards the ground. I glanced down at the earth and there was my skin. The dirt was dried out from a recent rain, cracked in a design that was on my hand. I sat there and we found out what to play with. We picked up the dirt that came apart like a pieces of cake. It was our fun for the time that my parents spent in the hogan. We would just see which one of us could pick up the pieces whole and then we would crumble them with one hand. My skin was a sister to the dirt outside the hogan.
My father took it upon himself to teach us about astronomy. One summer night we all stared up in the sky, with our dad showing us the book and pointing to the sky. I thought it was so boring and wish I could be inside, away from the mosquitoes reading my book in bed. I wanted to get through my Babysitters club book before bedtime. I finally just laid down in the grass. My youngest sister was already heading towards the swing set and my middle sister was listening to dad, trying to learn. A few moments later, my dad connected the stars and I realized that once you connected the stars, my skin was in the sky. My skin was the stars and the stars were my skin. The stars were father to my skin.
Recently, in line at the store, behind a Navajo grandma I noticed my skin was the same as hers. The design was the exact same without the wrinkles. My skin, had a mother, father, sister, and grandmother and I knew that I was blessed to have a design on my skin. The design on my skin was evidence of my family that consisted of creatures, earth, sky and my ancestors and I was proud to be different.

Zia Connects

Lately there has been huge news cast over and over, here in Albuquerque, NM. It is about a Native woman that had murdered her own son. It has been news casted repeatedly over and over. As a Native woman, myself I am trying to relate and understand. I feel as a Native woman walking around Albuquerque I am associated with her. And I feel that I need to represent her and defend my sister. It is so tough when our culture is portrayed in this light. As alcoholics and now murderers. I know each culture has its stereotypes and we all have to suffer through them. Now a huge new story seems to be making a new name for Natives and not in a good way. It upsets me that the bad news is always so much more appealing and therefore makes it so much harder for Natives to have a positive reflection of worth and a positive association in society.

My deepest sympathy goes towards the woman and her family. There are so many stressful situations in the world today and especially if you are Native. I am extremely lucky that I have both my parents in my life and they were both able to achieve higher education but we are still struggling. And many of my relatives on the reservation are struggling. It has become harder and harder for us because we have our traditional ways and yet have to live in a white world. Traditionally, the elders would be assisting with the children and helping a woman cope with motherhood. I am not trying to make excuses for the woman, but I am trying to understand the situation. In a perfect world, the grandmas, mothers and sisters would be taking care of the grandchild and the mother would be assisted. But, now our grandmothers are having a hard enough time providing for themselves and now it is extremely hard to be a single mother and live successfully. I am not sure what drove her to end her child’s life but I do know that this is not our way. Suicide is a huge problem with our culture and it seems that it is becoming easier and easier for our people to end a life rather than continue. It is a horrible truth. We need to reconnect with one another; I try to have my friends all together as often as I can, because when Natives spend time together we are a happier people.

My immediate thought when I heard of the little boys death was the mother suffered from Postpartum Depression. I know that, especially single mothers can struggle with the illness. There is no way to monitor the illness especially when our healthcare is not necessarily there for the Native people. There are so many what ifs and all I know is that this tragedy has the ability for each of us in the Native world to take a step in connecting. With our sisters, our mothers and our daughters. If you know of anyone that is raising a child alone, offer to help. Or even sincerely ask how they are doing. I am going to use this tragedy to move me towards making my connection projects a success. I have learned that one sincere comment to another goes a long way. Words are so important. By giving one compliment can go a long way. We as a people have to take this situation and make it, make us, take a step forward in preventing tragedy and create connection! Prevention is in our hands.

A Role to Happiness

I have had a lot of conversations with my close friends about me taking care of my man. My man will never have to worry about his laundry, cooking or cleaning. The house will always be taken care of. And not only because I enjoy it, but because that is what my role is to be. There are man and woman roles and it gives me happiness to respect our traditional roles. But, my man better be able to get his ass off the couch and take the trash out, carry the heavy stuff for me and haul wood and hunt. Traditionally, the roles were respected, in our Native culture and when I think about it. The woman’s role has not changed. The cooking fire may now be electric or gas but the men, no longer have to hunt since the creation of the grocery store. Men’s roles have had the biggest adjustment. And in MY opinion, the man’s role has diminished to almost nothing and it has caused huge problems in our Native society. The boys do drugs and join gangs because what is their role? What are they to be doing? And what did their father’s do? And don’t get me started on how the rise of gay men in the Native world is. (No judgment but is it because woman have stronger roles now???) I understand that girls do drugs and join gangs and I am being somewhat obtuse but…still. I am not placing blame, but I think that in order for me to be happy, I need a MAN. A friend of mine recently said that she wasn’t interested in this guy because he was just not man enough. He was so nice to her and was in adoration of her but in reality, his role just did not add anything to her life.

I feel comfortable hauling wood and fishing and being physical especially on the reservation is something that I enjoy, I am not afraid of hardwork and yet I believe a majority of men are today. I am not looking for strict roles but I do believe that males and females if they each have roles in this life; we would all be much happier as Native peoples. If men had their roles restored, our culture could be even more successful.

I have struggled with this problem. And I am not sure what the solution is. My mother went to church one morning and the minister spoke about a couple, that the man was being so quiet now in the past few years and the woman was feeling unhappy. There was no interaction and no communication in the relationship anymore. The minister than stated, maybe he was getting in touch with his feminist side. WHAT? Being quiet is a woman thing? I am shocked. Navajo woman certainly are not. And Native woman in general are not. We are vocal. And, vocal is not a wrong way to be and yet woman are now being quiet about their unhappiness with men now. I don’t want to be a single mother but in reality, what are my options? I want to have children and yet, I don’t want to take care of a man, that won’t take care of me and our family. There are only a very few times that I remember my father sitting on the couch. And it was usually on holidays when us girls were opening presents for Christmas or hunting eggs on Easter. My father worked hard for us. A man like my father is impossible to find. A man that works constantly for not only our family but our people. My father did not go to school just to have a Dr. before his name but because with Dr. he could earn the respect from the white world in order to compete to gain success for our tribe.

Someone once told me that my problem was that I was looking for someone like my father. I can see that as an excuse that a guy would say and it was a guy that said it. It is an excuse. I have dated men that are the exact opposite of my father also and was never happy. I have given everyone an equal chance and I know that I would be happiest with someone that truly represented the traditional male role. A successful relationship is one of sharing and respect of each other's roles, I believe.

My uncle recently spoke of how he went to a laundry mat on the reservation, and a Navajo husband and wife arrived there at the same time. The wife started carrying the bags of laundry and the man sat on the bench outside watching her. What THE F?! My uncle went and finished helping her carry THEIR laundry in. The husband made no move to assist and maybe he was ill or injured but there was no evidence to that effect. That is my problem with Native men today. It is a perfect example of what Native woman are left with. I would rather be single than have my man sit on a bench watch me carrying shit. I need a man of action. And that is what our traditional Native men’s role is. I know that there are Native men out there that are hardworking. I do know. But, I have yet to find one for myself.

P.S. and no, I will not date someone that is non-native. It is very important to me to carry on my culture and share that with my husband and children.

Quotes from Navajo Studies Conference, 2009

"...states that the Navajo are disconnected and separated by chain link fences and it is not the Navajo Way. We are a social, connected people and we are denying our ways, our blood and we cannot be successful in the European ways. We have the ingredients to be successful but we deny it. We need to not redefine ourselves but rediscover ourselves.

White American Values: We see the problems in the Navajo Nation. All Indigenous peoples have an attempt in language revitalization; need to stop switching to English. Schools are now the home to teach the language. Navajo has always been diverse and always have been a challenge to unify.
Indigenous peoples have adopted other ways and have inherited more problems. We have instilled the idea in ourselves as a people that the “white” way is better and we are still struggling to adapt to their government."

Thoughts to think about...