Bye, Bye 2008

Bye, Bye 2008!
2008 was my most transformational year. I have grown so much and come to understand myself and my future more than I have ever had. The beginning of this year, started off in a relationship that was not meant to be. It was a sad but I had to move on. My graduation was in April and it was a nice day. My sister, A--- and my brother, J--- were not there and that was hard. My aunt and cousin came all the way from WI to surprise me and that was the greatest moment of 2008. It was a weird experience though, to walk when I was not completely done with school. I changed my major to Humanities and it was the greatest thing I could do. I was in History and even though it was a favorite subject of mine, it was not where I was meant to be. I was a mentor in a minority science and math camp again this year and that is when I fully realized that I my future lies with helping kids, to receive a better, brighter future. Later, this past summer I went to a conference where I met other Native students and it was so good to be surrounded by people that shared my same outlook for our future. It is hard sometimes, living every day feeling that you are the only one concerned about our future; as Natives. Recently, I was again questioning how do I really know that I am Navajo or Menominee? I don't speak, I don't live. Or so I am told. But, when it comes down to it; my ancestors who I pray to, understand me no matter what language I speak. I live Navajo and Menominee; but just off the reservation. My woods and my desert are always in my heart and that is what matters. Regardless, if I know WHY: I wear turquoise or why I let elders eat first..or why….me is me and that is Navajo and Menominee.
My life has changed so much this last year. I have the greatest friends, I have ever had and I am so thankful for them. I am so glad to have met my friend A--- and have my friend S--- in my life. A--- doesn't judge but makes me laugh. S--- is always there for me; no matter the time of day. My friends are so beautiful and I love them!! : D One person came into my life this year and then left but made an imprint on my heart and future that will last forever. I took chances that I would have never done before because of him. I took off to Oklahoma, with no money and no air conditioning in the middle of June. It was an experience. To say the least. I learned a lot about myself in that weekend. Also, when I went to Los Angeles; it was so perfect. Good people and good hearts. I am so happy to have met B---and W---. The best time of my year was spent on the beach.
I also had one of the hardest times in my life in my trip to Phoenix. I really don't care for the city and what happened there. I learned the meaning of "friends". I regret that trip more than anything and yet, it had to happen for me to KNOW. Learning and growing was never so hard for me. It was hurtful and still is. I will have a scar from Phx for a long time but it has already healed and is starting to fade.
I have graduated from college; it took ten years. I NEVER thought it would happen. And it did. So, that leaves me with my next goal. To work in social services with Native kids who need my help. I found a great volunteer position that has me go to the treatment center here in Abq that provides sweats, drum groups and arts to the Native kids that are there. I am so hopeful of my future now. I am with my sisters and mom and things could not be any better.
I wish all those who are in my life, the greatest ending to 2008 and the best beginning to 2009.
I am thankful and blessed for you all this year.

L.O.V.E.

Love has been on my mind a lot lately. True Love. My true love? I believe is my reservations, my los angeles. I was once told that I didn't seem to be a Navajo, they only saw me as Menominee. At that point, I was silent, quiet and didn't respond. Later, I got to thinking… then he really does not know me. How I continued to be with this particular person is beyond me. I am not sure I believe in true, movie like, at first sight love. True Love, from what I have learned, takes a lot of faith and giving. The men I have dated don't do much of either. We need to have courage in faith, faith then in the values of another. I believed in another yet he has no faith, in order to succeed we both need to believe. The Native men I have dated, have adapted to the white man's idea of women are there for them and does not need to be vice versa. Today, men are deeply influenced by the paternal capitalist society in which we live in. Capitalism makes it so that people look for a mate that would best suit their ultimate goals of succeeding with popularity and being accepted throughout society...If you truly want to participate in the act of love one must rebel against the society in which we live. I am not trying to be harsh, this is just from my own experience; my own reality. Native men, used to from what I understand, as an example of my father, hunted and provided for the family. Nowadays, I can't even expect a door opened. I know we are all struggling, trying to be Natives, in this non native world. Love is a hard aspect to get, when we have so many other difficulties to work through. I do know; that my forest will always be there for me, along with the desert canyons, the ocean. Even if I close my eyes, ahh, there is river mud between my toes, the porcupine waddling across my path, the beautiful sunset over the rolling desert hills, the rain drops out of a clear sky, the salty ocean water splashing my face, the LA sun warming my back. I do not know if I will ever find a man, that will have faith in me and give to me, but I know that I have found true love.

To Be Alone or Not to Be.

Today, it is harder than ever to be alone. We are constantly connected, myspace-texting-iming. And while we are all so busy being connected we are missing out on the real life that we were meant to experience. We all are becoming addicted with being instantly gratified with a return message. We all have seem to forget what a real connection is like. I got a phone call the other day and I had forgotten what that particular person's voice sounded like! And it was from a person that is IMPORTANT to ME! I am a victim of this also. I am going to try my best to pick up the phone from now on. I would like for you to hear my laugh instead of LOL. And now if we are no longer okay with being alone, how healthy is that? We seem to being trying to fill a void within ourselves with texting or myspacing. We aren't really feeling, a feeling until we TYPE that feeling onto myspace.
There is a routine in our lives, everyone has one and our routines cause passiveness. We then allow the oppression to continue. Myspace has become a way for me to express myself but really does anyone listen? Why don't I call someone and tell them what I am typing right now? I am allowing myspace to be my outlet of expression and I am bowing down to the oppression. I am becoming alienated from my own experience and I am just sad about the loss.
Unless I make a direct action to eliminate the "fake" connection; then I am going to continue the destruction. I want to have a real connection with my peeps! I know that I can't live without the tool of myspace but really, I am going to try to reach out in other ways. If we don't have to "really" feel then we kill each other slowly.
I was talking with a friend the other day about gossip and it got me thinkin'. It is so terrible on campus. In the past week, I was told I have been dating two different guys, unknown to me! Back on my rez, gossip used to be a general useful thing, "Oh, so and so, need berries or wood, we will walk some over after dinner" "So and so was having a hard time finding a good fishing spot, ya' know one?" "So and so, her grandma is sick, we better stop by." We used it as a tool to keep connected within our community. Now, it is "So and so was sleeping with so and so." Talking shit about people has become a disease that it seems that Natives are falling victim to. We need to speak goodness. Make gossip good again. Don't speak ill anymore. I was on the phone with someone and was interrupted so that she could talk about how a girl that was walking by had the ugliest purse! Why are we negative causing Native destruction? The first step for Natives to succeed is to defeat our insecurities. The insecurities within ourselves are shown through gossip. We project them upon others. Each one of us is special and beautiful, express that and create a better humanity. I am trying my best to only speak well of others. People have not always spoken well of me but I know that I need to accept that and I can only change myself but I hope that once I show that it is possible to speak well, I can inspire others. I give you permission to pinch me or smack me or SOMETHIN if I say anything downgrading or ill.
I am learning we only can live up to our own expectations and we can't expect others to. We need to take care of our own being and that will then project goodness and it will great more goodness. We can only bridge through knowledge and love and I hope to share that with each of you.
*I apologize for stating WE…I am generalizing way too much…Maybe?

"Today; our culture generates that there is always something better and that creates unhappiness within."