The other day, I took my mother to see a movie. The movie was about a young Black guy that struggled within the inner city and was adopted by a white family and therefore was given opportunities. The movie was touching and heartfelt. And makes for irony...
During the movie, I was rude and highlighted my phone to see what text I had received. I admit I was being rude. But, the guy next to me then tells me that the phone is glaring in his eyes and to turn it off. I understand he didn’t like my phone but it was the way he said it that made me more alert. I glared at him thru the dark and turned my phone over in my lap. He then tells me again to turn my phone OFF. I was like, what is this guy’s deal? And I suddenly wished that I did not move my jacket and purse for him to have the seat next to me. I then told him, “Say please, asshole.”
Later in the movie, he started talking to the person sitting next to him. I then said, “Can you please, stop talking? Thank you.” He then started telling me, “You have no manners. WHERE are you FROM?” And, that is when I knew. He was a racist bastard and that is why I was so offended by him. Just because I have long black hair and turquoise on; he chose to have an opinion of me from the start.
Right when he first told me to turn my phone off, I knew. I am not sure at what point in my life, I got the intuition of the how to tell when someone hates you but I have it. I can feel it when someone simply does not like me because of the red of my skin. I hated him as soon as he spoke.
When he asked where I am from. I didn’t reply. I was silent.
I stayed up most of that night. Angered in the dark. And it was not because of the racist bastard but because I didn’t represent my people the right way. I hate how one of my rude acts translates into my whole nation. It vibrates. The things I do everyday, all day are labeled with the black of my hair and red skin.
I finally slept after I stood tall and said my reply to a man that was no longer there.
“I am from the place where the earth gave birth to me. I am from where the trees are so tall and protect my heart. I am from where the river water runs to supply my heart. I am from where the dirt made my skin. I am from the land where wind gives you life. I am from the same place my ancestors are from. Where are You from?”
And his answer would obviously be, “I don’t know.” I then knew I was blessed. I may be hated and judged upon because of my red skin and black hair but I know where I am from.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Statistic.
Today I was told that I was a statistic.
Because I am an Indian that lives at home with her parents and is unemployed.
I was mad. Slightly outraged. I don’t do drugs! I don’t have kids! I…, I…, I…!!!!
Yes, I do in fact live at home. After ten years of living away from my parents in different states like California, Texas, Colorado, I was home. I have made the conscious decision to live with my mother or father until I get married. I have realized that they both need me and my time with them is limited. I someday will have my own family and will not be able to spend precious time with them. Having coffee with my Dad in the morning and tea at night with my Mom has been my happiest moments. It has been hard at times but I would not have it any other way. The tradition that I am to live with my parents until marriage may be slightly skewed in today’s world but I know it is where I belong. Now, men are looking for an independent woman that takes care of herself. But, I am not looking for that man. I want a man that is looking for a woman that puts her parents before herself. And goes where she is needed. Takes care of her responsibilities. A true Native man will appreciate the fact that the woman is there for her family.
Yes, I am currently unemployed. I graduated with my Bachelor’s and then started on my Master’s program. I learned that being a Social Worker was not for me. I was not happy. I have decided to take a giant leap and start my own business and work on my non-profit ideas to make the difference I want. I am in the 2% statistic of an Indian graduating with my Bachelor’s and if that is not a good one to be in, I don’t know what is. I will finish my Master’s in a more suitable program such as business but not at this time. Although I am not currently earning a paycheck, I am working towards my dreams for myself and my people.
Because I am Indian I am a statistic. But, damn if I am not a good fucking number.
Because I am an Indian that lives at home with her parents and is unemployed.
I was mad. Slightly outraged. I don’t do drugs! I don’t have kids! I…, I…, I…!!!!
Yes, I do in fact live at home. After ten years of living away from my parents in different states like California, Texas, Colorado, I was home. I have made the conscious decision to live with my mother or father until I get married. I have realized that they both need me and my time with them is limited. I someday will have my own family and will not be able to spend precious time with them. Having coffee with my Dad in the morning and tea at night with my Mom has been my happiest moments. It has been hard at times but I would not have it any other way. The tradition that I am to live with my parents until marriage may be slightly skewed in today’s world but I know it is where I belong. Now, men are looking for an independent woman that takes care of herself. But, I am not looking for that man. I want a man that is looking for a woman that puts her parents before herself. And goes where she is needed. Takes care of her responsibilities. A true Native man will appreciate the fact that the woman is there for her family.
Yes, I am currently unemployed. I graduated with my Bachelor’s and then started on my Master’s program. I learned that being a Social Worker was not for me. I was not happy. I have decided to take a giant leap and start my own business and work on my non-profit ideas to make the difference I want. I am in the 2% statistic of an Indian graduating with my Bachelor’s and if that is not a good one to be in, I don’t know what is. I will finish my Master’s in a more suitable program such as business but not at this time. Although I am not currently earning a paycheck, I am working towards my dreams for myself and my people.
Because I am Indian I am a statistic. But, damn if I am not a good fucking number.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Somehow
Yesterday, I rocked a baby to sleep. And really, I wasn’t ever happier. My dreams have never been to stand in a court room, to sit in a classroom and I have never had a dream about my wedding but I have dreamed of having my children, surround me. I have always felt I would change the world, somehow. I would help my people, somehow give them strength. And, now I know, to raise beautiful strong children to make our next generation.
Within me, I hold fear about being a mother. I wonder if I will make mistakes or somehow lead them in the wrong direction or I may not be able to provide for them as well, as I should. I always wonder about the mothers and fathers in this world, how do they know they are ready to be parents? I don’t know that I ever will be ready but I know it is something that I want to do and be.
There are children out there that need good homes and I may have my own or I may adopt. I believe I will do both. If you are a mother, you are a mother and it should not matter where the children come from. It is a responsibility of mine, I feel inside; that I have to acknowledge and respect.
My fate, fortune and future is to be a mother. I will provide love to the next generation and what else could I ask for?
Within me, I hold fear about being a mother. I wonder if I will make mistakes or somehow lead them in the wrong direction or I may not be able to provide for them as well, as I should. I always wonder about the mothers and fathers in this world, how do they know they are ready to be parents? I don’t know that I ever will be ready but I know it is something that I want to do and be.
There are children out there that need good homes and I may have my own or I may adopt. I believe I will do both. If you are a mother, you are a mother and it should not matter where the children come from. It is a responsibility of mine, I feel inside; that I have to acknowledge and respect.
My fate, fortune and future is to be a mother. I will provide love to the next generation and what else could I ask for?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Dream on, Lady
I met my perfect man, in my dreams. He had dark hair, strong arms and was confident. He was so handsome to everyone but only there for me. He took me to a baseball game in a big city I had never been before. The simple surrounded by the fascinating. We had beer and popcorn. He never left my side and I was the most important thing in the universe. And the universe it was. The night sky was above, just us and the stars. He was possessive but in a good way.
Later we went to his condo. There was a small party, we laughed the rest of the night on the patio over wine and berries he picked himself. The night was amazing.
And how do I know he was perfect? Because, he was Native.
I can’t see myself with anyone that wouldn’t understand why we have to get up in the middle of the night to put more wood in the fire. Or that wouldn’t understand why everyday is a struggle. Or understand why I carry tobacco in my purse and randomly sprinkle it out. Or why I will always love those who make mistakes because of alcohol.
A friend asked me how I could know this man existed and why would I hold myself out for him. “You shouldn’t limit yourself to one race.”
I was then told I was racist because I chose to be with Native and Native only. No, it is a preference. I want my children to be surrounded by the beliefs that my unity with their father could only bring. I was really hurt by the thought that because of my dream that I was racist. I believe we should all be treated equal but I cannot fathom having children with someone that their beliefs were not my own. I am not racist. I am real.
Later we went to his condo. There was a small party, we laughed the rest of the night on the patio over wine and berries he picked himself. The night was amazing.
And how do I know he was perfect? Because, he was Native.
I can’t see myself with anyone that wouldn’t understand why we have to get up in the middle of the night to put more wood in the fire. Or that wouldn’t understand why everyday is a struggle. Or understand why I carry tobacco in my purse and randomly sprinkle it out. Or why I will always love those who make mistakes because of alcohol.
A friend asked me how I could know this man existed and why would I hold myself out for him. “You shouldn’t limit yourself to one race.”
I was then told I was racist because I chose to be with Native and Native only. No, it is a preference. I want my children to be surrounded by the beliefs that my unity with their father could only bring. I was really hurt by the thought that because of my dream that I was racist. I believe we should all be treated equal but I cannot fathom having children with someone that their beliefs were not my own. I am not racist. I am real.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Men Continue the Circle
My dad has told me that it has been estimated that by 2020 there will be no more registered Menominees. We will have lost the battle that was started 500 years ago. And so, I feel as if it is my duty to search high and low to possibly make Menom babies but I whine to daddy, that I can’t find any Menominee man to suit me. And, then he tells me a piece of his mind.
Half of the guys in jail right now are there because of unpaid child support. And yet, how are they to pay it when they can’t even find jobs? So, basically, the system is punishing men for something that is not under their control. I could understand imprisoning a man that has a job and refuses to pay but is it fair when a man chooses to live on his reservation and there are no jobs for him to work to support his kids? And, then we talk about my cousin brother. He is a good guy with a lot of kids. He has four kids and two more on the way. He raises three of them alone and yet he still pays the mother child support because the courts won’t let him have custody. After, paying child support his check of eight hundred every two weeks is down to sixty five dollars. He works but can’t afford child care and he doesn’t qualify for any government programs that are designated for women only and for people that have no income; which he does but not enough to support himself or his family. And the circle continues.
Then, there are the people that are raising their grandchildren and the children don’t help support them. But, the parents receive child support, WIC and welfare but don’t have the children. The grandparents that should be retired continue to work the long hours at the casino to support their grandchildren. And the circle continues.
I have never really thought of the NDN men that raise children and I have to say, that they are here and you now have my utmost respect. The good NDN men are punished by a system that was made to support the women, but only the women? It's not fair and I am glad my dad pointed out, that I should not whine but recognize and realize. There are great NDN men that stand up and fight the fight and I am so proud of you and sorry that I have not recognized you sooner. You will forever now, be in my prayers. And thank you for continuing our circle.
Dad says, kids shouldn’t have kids then. Yeah, that is a solution but to what end? How long would our tribe continue to exist if babies weren’t born? Am I the only one that worries at night, how long my tribe will continue to survive? I have no worries that there are going to be plenty of Navajos for the time being but I do feel that I want to continue the Menom legacy. I have made the choice to wait to have children, for marriage and yet I get the constant question, where are your babies at?? Your dad needs grandchildren. People tell me it is good to wait and I have but have I cost my tribe?? If I was young and reckless, I may have had Menom babies by now and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing….yet, the search continues for me to contribute my part of the circle. My blood will count!
Half of the guys in jail right now are there because of unpaid child support. And yet, how are they to pay it when they can’t even find jobs? So, basically, the system is punishing men for something that is not under their control. I could understand imprisoning a man that has a job and refuses to pay but is it fair when a man chooses to live on his reservation and there are no jobs for him to work to support his kids? And, then we talk about my cousin brother. He is a good guy with a lot of kids. He has four kids and two more on the way. He raises three of them alone and yet he still pays the mother child support because the courts won’t let him have custody. After, paying child support his check of eight hundred every two weeks is down to sixty five dollars. He works but can’t afford child care and he doesn’t qualify for any government programs that are designated for women only and for people that have no income; which he does but not enough to support himself or his family. And the circle continues.
Then, there are the people that are raising their grandchildren and the children don’t help support them. But, the parents receive child support, WIC and welfare but don’t have the children. The grandparents that should be retired continue to work the long hours at the casino to support their grandchildren. And the circle continues.
I have never really thought of the NDN men that raise children and I have to say, that they are here and you now have my utmost respect. The good NDN men are punished by a system that was made to support the women, but only the women? It's not fair and I am glad my dad pointed out, that I should not whine but recognize and realize. There are great NDN men that stand up and fight the fight and I am so proud of you and sorry that I have not recognized you sooner. You will forever now, be in my prayers. And thank you for continuing our circle.
Dad says, kids shouldn’t have kids then. Yeah, that is a solution but to what end? How long would our tribe continue to exist if babies weren’t born? Am I the only one that worries at night, how long my tribe will continue to survive? I have no worries that there are going to be plenty of Navajos for the time being but I do feel that I want to continue the Menom legacy. I have made the choice to wait to have children, for marriage and yet I get the constant question, where are your babies at?? Your dad needs grandchildren. People tell me it is good to wait and I have but have I cost my tribe?? If I was young and reckless, I may have had Menom babies by now and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing….yet, the search continues for me to contribute my part of the circle. My blood will count!
Friday, July 24, 2009
To Play or Not to Play
I was starting to get know this certain guy. He was cool, seemed to be. He was from my part of Indian Country. He knew what my reservation was all about. Friends with my family. And then, after about a month of just texting and he tells me not to get “attached.” He has been hurt before and isn’t looking to getting into a relationship. Ohh.kay.
For one, I hate that he assumed that I wanted a relationship with him. He never made me laugh and the conversation was never deep. I am looking for that type of guy.
For two, I hate that even if he had been hurt before he was not brave enough to believe in love. It takes a real man to be hurt and believe again.
For three, I hate that he assumed that I would cheat on him like the others did. I have never cheated in the eleven years I have been in relationships but then it made me question, what he thought of himself since he already assumed I would be so disappointed in him I would cheat on him.
The outcome then leads to me to this: He assumed I would play around on him if we were together. And if he assumed that and never took our relationship seriously, then why wouldn’t I play? I would be looking for someone that would take me seriously. But, if I was not to play and he would just ruin the relationship thinking that I was. It was an ugly circle that I got out of ASAP. It would have made me someone that I was not.
People really do get what they are looking for and I wish him the best. I maybe holding out for an extremely long time for someone to make me laugh but I know I will get what I am looking for.
For one, I hate that he assumed that I wanted a relationship with him. He never made me laugh and the conversation was never deep. I am looking for that type of guy.
For two, I hate that even if he had been hurt before he was not brave enough to believe in love. It takes a real man to be hurt and believe again.
For three, I hate that he assumed that I would cheat on him like the others did. I have never cheated in the eleven years I have been in relationships but then it made me question, what he thought of himself since he already assumed I would be so disappointed in him I would cheat on him.
The outcome then leads to me to this: He assumed I would play around on him if we were together. And if he assumed that and never took our relationship seriously, then why wouldn’t I play? I would be looking for someone that would take me seriously. But, if I was not to play and he would just ruin the relationship thinking that I was. It was an ugly circle that I got out of ASAP. It would have made me someone that I was not.
People really do get what they are looking for and I wish him the best. I maybe holding out for an extremely long time for someone to make me laugh but I know I will get what I am looking for.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Menom Love
I am back home on the reservation. There has not been much change at all and yet because I have changed, it is all different. I was at the table reading when my dad’s cousin and his wife came to the house. I look at them as my aunt and uncle. Since, my last visit my aunt had to have dialysis three times a week. She is now a softer person and yet still jokes as before. She is one person that jokes with my dad and teases him. You can tell the illness has taken a toll but the bond that my aunt and uncle share is so strong. You can see the love and commitment in their eyes. It is so beautiful. Today, I was surprised to see on my reservation a marriage of love. My uncle helped her carry stuff to the car but not in a way that was over the top but in a way that the act done; as he just read her mind. I could not tear my eyes away from seeing the invisible communication. I am thankful that my uncle is there for my aunt during her hardship. She has such a battle to be fought. She had a transplant and was in the hospital for so long, far away from home. We went to their house tonight, and when we came in, they were seating right next to each other on the couch; both watching the baseball game. They both spoke of their grandchildren with such pride and that is when I notice my aunt had a hickey! I was so shocked but in a good way. It was proven then, that there is a possibility of a successful marriage and I was given hope. Their son came into the house then, my little brother and he had grown so much. He has grown over two feet since I last saw him! I went on and on about my memories of him and my aunt cried. She cries easily now, but her tears are her appreciation, feelings are realized today and that was a lesson learned for me. He is a great kid. He does so well in school and if he is not in school; he is out in the woods fishing. Today, he found eagle feathers out on the lake and he is such a blessing to our nation. He will be a great Menominee man. I then, knew that my aunt and uncle’s love had created something we all could be proud of. I forget that my aunt has struggle every day when I am far away and will remember now. Love was a dream of mine that came true. I may not know love just yet but two people that deserve it have it and that is all I ever need.
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